A couple of hunters, looking for a place to shoot, pulled into a farmer's yard.

The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask the farmer's permission to shoot on his land.

The old farmer said, Sure, if in return you would do me a favor?

That old horse over there is over 20 years old and dying of cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?

Of course, said the hunter, and headed for the car.

Walking back, however, he decided to play a trick on his friend.

He got into the car and his friend asked if the farmer said it was OK?

No, he won't let us shoot here, so I'm going to teach that old bastard a lesson.

With that, he rolled down his window, and shot the horse. There, that will teach him!

A couple more shots rang out from the passenger side, and his mate shouted,

Yeah, and I got the cow and the goat!!!

A farmer buys a young rooster to impregnate his chickens. The young rooster struts into the barn and yells to the old rooster, "Get out, old man! This is my barn now!"

"Tell you what," says the old rooster. "I'll race you around the farm; winner gets all the chicks."

The old rooster takes off toward the front of the house with the young rooster chasing him. The farmer takes one look at the roosters, pulls out his shotgun, and blows the young one away.

"Darn it," says the farmer. "That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month!"

I found out today that my marriage isn't legitimate...

Her dad didn't have a license for that shotgun.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from is coffee, "do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?", he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," said his wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued, "do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'either you marry my daughter or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that, too," she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

There once was a farmer who had three daughters who were all going out on their first dates on the same night.

The farmer, being protective of his daughters, decides to meet their suiters at the front door with a shotgun.

The first date comes to the door and the father opens up and the lad says

"Hi my name's Joe,

I'm here for Flo.

We're going to the show.

Is she ready to go?"

The father looks the guy over and sends the kids off on their date.

Next lad arrives

"My name's Eddie,

I'm here for Betty.

We're going to get some spaghetti.

Is she ready?"

The father felt this bloke was okay too so off the kids went.

The final young man arrives and rings the bell and the farmer opens up. The boy started off

"Hi my name's Chuck"

And the farmer shot him.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris.are in-seine.

A backward poet writes.inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress.just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

The definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy, your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: . the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

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